


More than a Feeling

by Lakritzwolf



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Childhood and High School AU, M/M, Unrelated Fíli and Kíli
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 19:30:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14268003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf/pseuds/Lakritzwolf
Summary: My prize for kaetien on tumblr for the WinterFRE 2018.Some unrelated Fili&Kili, lifelong neighbours and best friends, They are about to go separate ways after high school and realize that they cannot deal with the separation.





	More than a Feeling

Fili and Kili had been best friends forever for as long as they could remember, literally. Of course, anything they knew about the first few years of their friendship was not remembered by them, but by their parents, or those who stood as their parents.

Dis Durinson, Fili’s mother, had moved from Auckland to Wellington shortly after divorcing her husband, when Fili had been two years old. She had moved next door to Thorin Oakenshield, who had adopted his nephew Kili after the death of his brother and his wife. Thorin had offered help when they had moved in and done some heavy lifting while Dis had watched the boys, and the next day Dis had done the unboxing, unwrapping and putting away while the boys had been at Thorin’s house.

The two adults had instantly gotten along, as had their offspring. The next summer Dis and Thorin had installed a small gate in the fence separating their gardens. They kept inviting each other for dinners, lunches, or tea. The boys would just run into the garden and yell, or, somewhat later and older, just walk through the gate to knock and ask if the other could play.

So Kili and Fili both could not remember a time when they hadn’t been friends.

As children, the two had tried to come up with plans to make Dis and Thorin marry so they could be real brothers. Later, when becoming teens, they agreed that it was better they hadn’t, as that would have been gross.

Teachers and staff at Brooklyn Primary School had often wondered if the two were brothers, with two different mothers, or different fathers maybe, not because they were inseparable but because they usually referred to each other as brother, even after they had decided their respective parents should not marry each other.

Their initial fear that they might be separated after transferring to Wellington High School didn’t come true either, so they continued to be practically glued together, sitting next to each other in the classroom and spending all the time in the schoolyard together as well.

Of course there were arguments. But all the ‘I’m never going to play with you again!’ and ‘I’m not your friend anymore!’ never lasted longer than two or three days. Later, arguments were even rarer, and mostly resolved the same day.

They began to develop separately, somewhat, with the hormonal rollercoaster of puberty, when first crushes and heartbreaks were the things they didn’t share. They talked about them with each other, of course, and one would always comfort the other when broken hearts needed mending.

Fili was the first to come out to his friend, and for a long time it was only Kili who knew he was gay. Kili himself thought he was straight until he met a guy during art class who caused feelings that confused the fuck out of him.

The two spent more than one evening in either Fili’s or Kili’s room, listening to music and talking, until Kili had been able to establish he was bisexual. Not that it made a difference in this particular case, because his crush from art class was straight, and he hadn’t exactly been friendly with his rebuke.

Sitting with his back against the wall in Fili’s room, Kili drew up his knees and stared straight ahead.

“He said what?” Fili asked and sat down opposite him, facing his friend.

“He said go fuck yourself because I’m not going to.”

“What an asshat.”

Kili shrugged. “I wish I could only have crushes on girls.” Then he looked up. “How do you deal with this shit?”

Fili exhaled with a huff. “Very, very carefully,” he said then. “Mostly by asking other people about girlfriends.”

Kili looked up and tilted his head. “Like, if he has a girlfriend?”

“And if he doesn’t have one, who had been his last girlfriend,” Fili replied. “That’s how I worked up the courage to talk to Jeremy.”

“The guy from the rugby team.”

Fili nodded.

“Who turned out to be an asshat too.” Kili sighed. “Is the world full of asshats?”

“He wasn’t after something permanent, don’t know if that counts as being an asshat.” Fili shrugged too.

They were silent for a moment.

“Hey,” Fili said then and nudged Kili’s foot with his own. “How about I take you to McDonald’s?”

“And then?”

“Then I can feed you flurries until you feel better.” Fili winked.

Kili chuckled softly and shook his head, but he got up.

Fili kept his word, but it needed two packs of fries and three flurries to make Kili feel a bit better.

“So,” Fili said as Kili had finished the last flurry. “Can you smile again?”

Kili gave him a ridiculous grin, Fili smiled back, and their eyes met.

After a moment, they both looked away simultaneously. They also ran out of topics of conversation, so they headed home again and said goodnight.

Things changed after that incident. Not much, not at once, but a subtle shift took place that neither of them could quite identify. They didn’t talk about it, fearing it might affect their friendship.

They couldn’t talk about heartbreaks and crushes anymore. It made both of them feel uncomfortable, and they didn’t know why.

It culminated the day when Kili came to Fili’s place to complain about another rude brush-off, and Fili told him to stop trying to date assholes. Kili replied that he didn’t fall for assholes intentionally and that he wasn’t helping.

They didn’t talk for almost a week. It was the longest they had been angry with each other in their life so far. They still sat next to each other in most classes, but they didn’t look at each other, until Kili finally made the first move. He sat down at Fili’s table during lunch and stared at his plate.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s not your fault I keep falling for assholes.”

Fili sighed. “And it’s not yours either.”

They looked at each other, and exchanged a cautious smile. Once they were done eating they also exchanged a hug, but when they realised they were holding on to each other a little too long they hastily leaned away from each other again.  
They exchanged a nervous grin, but at least things were fixed between them again.

* * *

Since they were in their last high school year the two spent a lot of time talking about their plans for after. Fili was thinking about doing a few months of working to save up for a few more months of travelling before starting uni. Kili wanted to start uni right away, but had to admit travelling for a while sounded almost better.

“Have any plans where to go?” Kili asked him when they were sitting in the garden of Fili’s house with a bottle of coke.

“Europe,” Fili replied and looked up into the clouds. “Scotland, and maybe Ireland. Not sure yet what else, but definitely Scotland.”

“Sounds good,” Kili said and nodded.

“You sure you’re not coming along?”

“I honestly don’t know,” Kili replied. “Uncle Thorin definitely wants me to start uni rather sooner than later.”

“And you’re doing what he wants?”

Kili shrugged.

“It’s just a year, mate.” Fili nudged him with his elbow. “And then...” He trailed off.

“And then?”

“Don’t know,” Fili said and stared into his glass. “You’re still going to enrol in Auckland?”

“Christchurch just doesn’t cut it,” Kili replied slowly. “Besides, Uncle Thorin has a few close relatives up there who said they can help me find a place and everything. It would be great if I wasn’t alone to start with.”

“If we’re going to Christchurch together you wouldn’t be alone, either,” Fili replied with almost a pout.

Kili huffed. “You could enrol in Auckland instead.”

“Auckland doesn’t cut it for me.”

They both were silent for a moment.

“It’s going to be weird not seeing you every day anymore,” Kili said after a moment.

“Forget about those cousins in Auckland and come with me to Christchurch then.”

“Why don’t you come to Auckland? Balin would help you as well, you know him.”

“Yes, I know him,” Fili replied with a sigh. “But I just...”

“This is about your father, isn’t it?”

Fili didn’t reply, and after a long pause, he shrugged.

“Come on, Fee.” Kili shook his head. “He left you and your mum for another and hardly ever showed up. He won’t suddenly become best dad in the world just because you move to the same town.”

“I know!” Fili gripped his glass tighter. “I fucking know that.”

“Then why-”

“Because he’s my father?” Fili’s voice held a trace of anger. “Maybe I can fix it.”

“Yes, maybe you can though it’s not fucking likely,” Kili said in a small voice. “Because I sure as fuck can’t fix anything.”

“Fuck, Kee... I’m sorry...”

Kili shrugged. “It’s all right,” he said then. “I can’t remember them anyway.”

They both fell silent and were each lost in their own thoughts.

“And you’re sure you won’t join me going to Europe, at least?” Fili asked eventually.

“I don’t know,” Kili said. “I gotta talk to Uncle Thorin about that.”

Fili nodded with a vaguely affirmative hum. They didn’t speak anymore until they parted ways for dinner.

* * *

Graduation day was approaching, and while Fili was making plans to find some sort of lowbrow job to get money for a trip, Kili was in contact with family in Auckland, and he visited them a few times too. Thorin hadn’t been in favour of his nephew ‘wasting time’ with working and travelling, and since Kili felt he owed the man too much he was making no plans into that direction.

To everyone’s big surprise, someone showed up for the graduation ceremony that no one had expected: Fili’s father.

He came with his new partner, a woman at least ten years his junior and who visibly felt out of place and didn’t make any effort to hide she would rather be anywhere else. She didn’t grace Dis with a single look even though the latter made a real effort to be civilised about the whole situation. It ended with the women ignoring each other, and Fili’s father painfully awkwardly trying to bond with his son while pretending not to know either of the two.

Dis and Thorin had planned a party for that afternoon in their conjoined garden, an event to which Fili’s father tagged along while his girlfriend retired to their hotel room with a migraine.

The atmosphere first relaxed when it turned out that Fili’s father shared the same crazy passion for rugby as Thorin’s cousin Dwalin, and the two immediately bonded and retreated into a corner to gush like fangirls.

Kili found Fili sitting in the living room in his own house, staring at the wall.

“Fee?”

Fili shrugged and Kili sat down.

“Disappointed?”

“I don’t know.” Fili sighed heavily. “Because I didn’t know what I expected.”

“Did you know he had someone new?”

“No.” Fili finally looked up. “But that’s not really the problem. It’s… when I told him I want to move to Christchurch to go to uni there he looked kinda panicked for a moment.”

“Panicked?” Kili frowned and leaned closer.

“Yes, as if…” Fili shook his head. “As if he was scared I’d want to move in with him and play family or something.”

Kili hesitated for a moment. “Maybe you should-”

“Should what?” Fili cut in sharply. “Come with you to Auckland instead of trying to fix things with my dad?”

“That’s the first time I heard you call him dad,” Kili replied. “It was always ‘my father’ or something, never dad. Fee, that man walked out of your life and left you and your mum for another bitch, he doesn’t really care!”

“Then why did he come today, huh?” Fili got up with an angry huff.

“I don’t know.” Kili got up as well. “And I’m not here to tell you to come to Auckland with me because-”

“Good.” Fili glared at him. “Don’t.”

“Fee…”

“You’re just jealous!”

Kili snapped his mouth shut and took a step back. Most days, he was fine, and could deal with the fact his parents were gone since he couldn’t remember them. For some reason, today was different.

“Jealous?” He snapped. “That my father isn’t a selfish prick? That I can still imagine he’d care? Yeah sure, I’m so fucking jealous right now.”

He stormed off, and Fili stared at his back, his fists slowly uncurling.

“Fuck,” he whispered and gritted his teeth.

It took him a moment, then he followed Kili into the garden, but was informed Kili had just gone inside. Fili found him in his room, but the door was locked.

“Kee?”

“Fuck off.”

“Kili, I’m sorry... I’ve been a colossal dick. I really shouldn’t have said that.”

A moment later the door was unlocked, and Fili hesitantly stepped in and closed the door behind him again. Kili fell onto the bed, leaned against the wall and pulled up his legs.

“Kee, I’m sorry…” Fili sat down next to him.

“It’s not your fault.”

“No, but I just hurt you with my fucking big mouth. I’m sorry.”

Kili sighed and kept staring straight ahead.

“Hey,” Fili said softly and nudged Kili’s leg. “Can I make it better somehow?”

Kili shrugged. “I don’t want to get started again,” he said. “I don’t want to go to Auckland without you, but I don’t want to go to Christchurch either because Auckland got the better course. And I’m not gonna whine at you just because I don’t want…” He trailed off and pulled his legs even tighter.

“Don’t want…?” Fili asked hesitantly.

“Nothing,” Kili muttered and dropped his head into his arms that he had slung around his knees.

“Oh come on.”

“You’ve always been there,” he eventually muttered into his arms. “And it kind of… it feels so fucking wrong, thinking of you not there anymore.”

Fili sighed and moved around him so he could sit next to Kili, and leaned against the wall as well.

“Same,” he said slowly. “But I really didn’t want to… not only go to Christchurch because of my dad.”

The silence was uncomfortable.

“I don’t want to go to Auckland without you,” Kili muttered.

“But Christchurch isn’t an option,” Fili replied cautiously.

“But you’ve always been there,” Kili said again, finally looking up. “And it’s just wrong… being without you.”

Fili smiled and shrugged. “It… kind of is.”

Their eyes met, and they both stared helplessly at each other.

“I shouldn’t be feeling like this,” Kili suddenly whispered.

“Like what?” Fili whispered back.

“Like…” Kili swallowed. “Like… as if… as if I’m not complete without you.”

Suddenly, they were both unable to look away. Their eyes locked, and a short eternity passed with both of them frozen, lost in each other’s eyes.

They both moved without thinking, leaning in towards each other with closing eyes. Their lips touched, soft and hesitant, shy, almost fearful, as if they were afraid of what they were doing. Maybe they were. This tiny moment changed everything, slowly unhinged their world - but it settled in a new axis as their lips touched again.

This kiss was still shy but no longer fearful, and Fili lifted his hand to rest it on Kili’s cheek. And as their lips met for the third time, Kili reached out and buried one hand into Fili’s hair. They opened their lips, and their breathing picked up speed as their kisses turned more passionate now. 

They broke the kiss, somewhat reluctantly, to catch back their breath, and leaned their foreheads against each other’s. And while Fili closed his arms around Kili, the latter rested his arm on top of Fili’s shoulders and crossed his fingers at the back of Fili’s head. 

“I feel like…” Kili whispered and swallowed. “I feel like this shouldn’t be happening… but it feels so good…”

“Why shouldn’t it?” Fili asked, whispering as well. 

“I don’t know,” Kili replied without looking up. “I always thought you’re my brother and…”

“But we’re not brothers,” Fili replied with a soft smile.

“No, because I wouldn’t have been so jealous of those guys you hooked up with.”

Fili chuckled and lifted his head to kiss Kili’s nose. “You’re not the only one.”

Now Kili looked up as well. Their eyes met again and moments later, their lips. They let themselves sink down onto the mattress, and closed their arms around each other as they entwined their legs. Their kisses were heated and hungry now, their hands roamed each other’s bodies and found their way under the other’s shirts. 

None of the others downstairs in the garden asked where the two were when dinner was announced, because everyone assumed they were more or less making farewells as Kili’s plans about moving to Auckland next month were no secret. 

Coming down hand in hand Fili and Kili did cause a few eyebrows to raise, but the general consensus was, especially according to Dis and Thorin, why it had taken them so damn long to figure that one out. 

They accepted good-natured teasing with reddening cheeks, but also congratulations for their high school graduation. 

Thorin wasn’t surprised when Kili announced he would postpone starting at uni in favour of a year of working and travelling the world with Fili. 

Dis wasn’t surprised when Fili informed her that Auckland or Christchurch uni didn’t make much of a difference to him so he’d rather go with Kili. 

Fili’s father seemed more relieved than anything else even if he made a real attempt at not showing it. 

Dis and Thorin accompanied their respective sons to the airport a few months later, when they were leaving to spend some time in Scotland and Ireland together before starting university in Auckland. A few quick farewell hugs and kisses, and the two were on their way to the check-in. 

“There’s the whole world,” Fili said as they looked out of the panorama windows overlooking the runways. “And it’s all ours.”

Kili slung his arm around Fili’s hips. “And I’m looking forward to exploring it all with you,” he said with a smile. 

Fili returned the smile, and they shared a warm, affectionate kiss that turned into two, then three.

They didn’t miss their boarding call, but it was a near thing.


End file.
